Heart of the Matter IV

Heart of the Matter IV

March 2005

Lexi glanced up at the clock hoping that her name would be called soon, so she could get back to the ranch before Michael got home. It didn’t help that the waiting room at the pulmonologist office in Santa Barbara had on Court TV and her time was spent listening to vile speculation of Michael’s guilt on what seemed like an endless loop since she had arrived.

Finally she was called back to an exam room and after routine vitals were taken the doctor came in to discuss her test results.

“Doctor Garcia, Lexi…it’s good to see you again, how are you feeling?”

Shrugging slightly, Lexi replied.

“Ok I guess, we have had some stress in my family lately. It has been hard to focus on things…sleep, my diet you know the basics. I have just been trying to keep my kids happy.”

“You have lost some weight it looks like, you need to watch that. Have you had any attacks recently?”

“Not many, I was by myself the last time…but I was alright.”

“Make sure you have your inhaler with you and I am going to write you a prescription for an additional one. A new medication to help too. OK, let’s talk about your test results.”

Lexi stared at the floor for a moment before saying,

“I have never gotten a good answer before, just asthma or bronchitis. But I know it’s something more….”

“Well…it is. Lexi, its sarcoidosis. Probably from being on site at ground zero.”

Letting out a big sigh Lexi spoke,

“I have asked about that before, when I was in Mexico…I guess I need prednisone now too?”

The doctor started to writing on his prescription pad

“Yes, let’s see how a few rounds will do for now.”

“Dr. Bell?”

Lexi hesitated a moment before continuing

“Benjamin…um I’m beginning to hear stories out of the city that this 9/11 cough is much worse than anybody really knows. That there are guys that aren’t making it.”

Ben stopped writing on his pad,

“Yeah, I’ve started hearing that too Lexi. Colleagues of mine in New York are beginning to keep statistics…but I promise you we are going to keep you as healthy as possible.”

“I know, I just don’t have the best medical history. But I will do what I need to do…I have too much to live for.”

“That’s what I like to hear. I want to see you in two weeks, and we’ll see how this medication is doing, Ok?”

Lexi stood and struggled to smile,

“Yeah sure, I will be here.”

“Oh and…NO STRESS. Do you understand!!!”

“I can’t promise that…”

Her sad look as she opened the door concerned him, and he quickly made note of it in her chart.

___________________

Blanket was sound asleep and still clutched his Spiderman action figure when Lexi folded the covers on his chest as she tucked him into bed. Michael leaned in the door and whispered that the girls were asleep and Prince was ready for his goodnight kiss.

“Daddy, thank you for reading Goodnight Moon.”

“You are welcome Son.”

“Daddy, do I have a mouse I can say goodnight to like the bunny?”

Michael smiled, “No Son, no not right now. But you can say goodnight to Miss Lexi, she is waiting for her kiss.”

Scrunching up his eyebrows Prince looked at Lexi and then back at Michael, “I would rather kiss a mouse Daddy.”

Lexi turned her head so Prince wouldn’t see her trying not to laugh and Michael sat down on the bed beside his son,

“Now that’s not very nice. I think you should apologize.”

“But mouses are so cute!”

“Well I happen to think she is pretty cute too, and its mice not mouses.”

Michael replied with a hint of amusement in his voice.

Prince shrugged, “Ok mice…can I get one Daddy?”

Smiling, Michael kissed Prince on the forehead.

“We’ll see, give Miss Lexi that kiss and get some sleep.”

Lexi bent down and kissed Prince and whispered,

“I love you, I’ll talk to your Dad about that mouse.”

Prince smiled before whispering back,

“Thank you, I love you too.”

Michael stood and walked with Lexi and as they were about to shut the door they heard Prince quietly say,

“Goodnight Mouse”

“Goodnight Prince”

They softly answered together.

_____________________

Quickly stuffing the tissue in the pocket of her robe as Michael walked into the bedroom, Lexi stepped into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Michael was on the phone as usual with someone from the legal team and she listened intently as he questioned them.

“Will he be on the stand for sure on Wednesday?”

“What kind of questions?”

“Thursday? I cannot believe I have to sit there and listen to him lie.”

“I know, I know you have everything in order, but this is my life…my kids, my family.”

Michael’s voice dropped and Lexi strained to hear what he said next,

“No, no I haven’t yet. You said we probably wouldn’t need to do that. I don’t want to upset her, she hasn’t been well.”

“Mmmm hmmm, mmm hmm…I know it’s only if it’s a last resort right? Yes..yes I will, yeah I will. I don’t like any of this, again it’s very upsetting. Ok sure…I will talk to you later.”

Hanging up the phone, she heard him sigh and sit on the bed with a thud.

Waiting a moment until she thought he had composed himself, Lexi entered the bedroom.

“You alright?”

He had laid down on the bed with his arm over his eyes in an attempt to cover up his threatening tears,

Lexi didn’t know what was going on but she wanted to comfort him, so she curled up in the crook of his arm.

Out of habit she kissed his neck before whispering lightly in his ear,

“Let me help you baby. What can I do?”

Michael pulled her tight, but didn’t speak.

Reaching out she touched him gently above his pajamas where his bare skin had revealed itself.

The light pass of her fingertips over his skin sent a shiver through his body and he turned his lips to find hers in a gentle kiss.

Lexi, knowing that he was hurting from the stress of the courtroom moaned as he took her in his arms for the first time in weeks.

“I want you, mmmm Michael, I want you so much. “

His kiss grew more intense and Lexi surrendered to the desire he stirred in her.

Unbelting her robe, Michael pushed the material off of her shoulders exposing her body to his hands.

“You’re beautiful”

He gasped as he felt her hands move down and grasp him firmly.

But before she could begin to manipulate him, Michael seized her arms raising them above her head.

“I want you to come first.”

He groaned as his fingers found her swelling need, fueling her longing with each stroke he painted between her legs.

Lexi’s hips began to grind on his hand as she arched into the fire he was creating.

“I want you Michael…please, make love to me.”

Crying out as he plunged two of his long sensuous fingers inside; Michael whispered,

“Just come for me Babe, take my mind off of all of this.”

Again she reached down for him, but he moved slightly out of her reach.

“It’s your time Lex…I wanna watch you, pleasure you.”

Lexi’s eyes rolled slightly as she gave in to his command of her body, freeing her herself at last and leaving his fingers slick with her excitement as she bucked wildly in ecstasy.

Listening to her catching her breath, Michael wiped his forehead out of the anxiety he felt, as she moved down on him.

Her hand reached out, sliding under the soft cotton of his pajamas. The anticipation of pleasing him making her shake slightly.

Vaguely it occurred to Lexi that he wasn’t already hard as she began to stroke his shaft. Sliding her lips around him she felt his hand settle onto the back of her head. Lexi glanced up as her tongue circled around, hoping to find Michael gazing back at her. But she found his eyes tightly closed and jaw clenched as he tried to relax and let Lexi take him away from all his worries. But he couldn’t let go…he couldn’t free himself of his misery.

Minutes went by till at last, he sat up…frustrated and tried to move her away,

“Stop! Just stop!”

Lexi kept on, her lips continuing to prompt his relaxed flesh into rising, trying to stir him one last time.

“Mmmm no baby, c’mon. It’s alright, just relax.”

“I said stop it, Alexis please just get off me!”

Michael leapt out of the bed and into the bathroom where he locked the door.

Stunned, Lexi sat on her knees where he had left her, staring in the direction of the bathroom wanting to know how to help him. But after waiting in vain for him to return she finally dressed for a fitful sleep where she fought back tears of helplessness and what some might call hopelessness.

____________________________

The next evening, Michael studied the new medicines on the cabinet after he stepped out of the shower with concern. He noticed a new doctor’s name and that Lexi had filled the prescriptions the day before while he was in court. Wondering why she had not talked to him about what was going on he dressed and went to the main house to find her.

Walking in on a crazy scene he figured he wasn’t going to be able to pull Lexi aside until later. Blanket was crying, Prince was beating on some pots he had found in the kitchen and Paris was pounding on a toy piano and singing along with her brother at the top of her lungs. Lexi sat with Alannah who was apparently tattling on Blanket for something that had upset her, which was why he was crying. Joseph and Katherine sat at the counter waiting for dinner and doing their best to block out all the chaos. Glancing up when he came in the room, Lexi caught sight of Michael and watched as he took it all in. His slow look around and eventual eye contact said it all to her and she spoke quietly to ‘lannah.

“Babygirl, I will make sure Blanket will not use Spiderman to poke you in the ear again…but right now I need to talk to your Papa. Go help Prince with his drums.”

“Mom, I’m too old for that.”

“Alannah, just go and wash up for dinner then.”

All of the kids heard the tone in Lexi’s voice and suddenly the room became quiet.

“I was liking them drums now.”

Joseph’s voice cut through the silence and Lexi just stared as she walked towards Michael.

“Come on lets go for a walk real quick before we eat.”

Lexi took Michael by the hand and headed towards the door, leaving everyone behind temporarily.

By habit they walked down to the old barn, where they stood in front of the empty pen for several minutes until Michael finally broke their silence.

“I still miss him.”

“I know you do.”

“Is it crazy that I still come down here to talk to him?”

Lexi sighed and kicked at the pile of hay stacked in the corner before she sat down.

“No, I would say it’s either a habit or Louie never let you down by telling any of your secrets…so no it’s not crazy. I’m sorry you don’t have him here anymore.”

Michael pulled the old halter off of the railing and sat down beside her.

“…if you say so, I’m sure the tabloids would disagree with you though, they would say I was crazy for talking to a llama, especially a dead one.”

Lexi’s eyes flashed before she replied,

“To hell with them, please don’t even think about what is going on out…out there.”

Rubbing his fingers across the leather of the halter Michael paused before replying,

“There’s a lot of things I think about Lex…

“I know, I know Babe. I saw you just now in the house when you walked in on the kids. But they are not going to take this away from us…from you. They just can’t.”

Michael shook his head and laid back on the hay,

“You know he takes the stand tomorrow?”

Lexi nodded, “Yeah, I heard them talk about it on TV when I was at the doctor’s office.”

She noticed that he licked his bottom lip before he spoke,

“I was wondering when you were going to say something, what’s going on? You have new medicine right? I saw it on the counter”

Trying her best to sound convincing, Lexi smiled

“Oh, it was nothing. Really, we’re just trying some new meds out.”

Reaching out he rubbed her back,

“Ok, but you have to tell me if there is a problem. I need to know that you are ok Lex. I just…if something happened to you, I couldn’t. You know I just wouldn’t be able to..”

His voice trailed off and Lexi glanced down to see his eyes moist with tears.

“I’m alright Michael, I promise.”

“Promise?”

Lexi curled up on his chest as he ran his hand through her hair,

“Yes…I’m fine Michael.”

He didn’t see the pained look in her eyes as she turned away from him, knowing that she wasn’t speaking all of the truth..

________________________________

Michael had made it through the first day of his accuser’s testimony but he was exhausted and the stress had made him ill with a headache and stomach pains. However, they tried to keep the kids home life as normal as possible and everyone sat down to dinner but Michael and Lexi could not eat. Later after putting the kids to bed they escaped to the solitude of their bungalow and Michael began to pace the floor incessantly.

“Michael, please Baby come sit down with me. You are going to make yourself sick.”

“I can’t, you don’t know..Lex you don’t understand what it’s like to hear those lies. Tomorrow, Tom tells me tomorrow will be worse. He…Lex…he is going to say I did things, things I would never do. I can’t do anything, I have to sit there Lex…sit there and let it happen. I have to sit there and let him lie on me. It’s not fair. I’m not some kind of sick animal, I would never hurt a child.”

Lexi went to his side, trying to think of anything to say that could calm him down.

“So many people know that Michael, I know…your fans know. Your family…”

Michael sat down suddenly on the edge of the bed,

“What if they take them Lex, what if they take my Babies away? I can’t live without my kids.”

Lexi knelt in front of him, coughing momentarily before she spoke. “Nobody is going to take the kids. You are the best Dad, and when this whole stupid thing is over everybody is going to know it.”

Taking her face between his hands, he held her for a soft kiss and then as he spoke his voice broke.

“I need you so much, I won’t make it through this without you Lex.”

“I’m here Michael, just imagine yourself walking out of there a free man. Don’t you dare think of anything else. When you think you are going to break, just imagine your babies waiting for you here, they need their daddy …and so do I.”

Her voice began to crack as she was overcome with emotion and Michael wiped her tear stained cheeks with his thumbs.

Her coughing interrupted them again and she paused to cover her mouth with a tissue. Michael watched in horror as the pristine white of the tissue darkened suddenly and turned bright red as she coughed.

“Lexi! What the hell is that! Is that blood? Are you coughing up blood?”

Quickly shoving the tissue in the pocket of her robe, Lexi stood and walked to the bathroom. Michael followed her and reached into the pocket of her robe and withdrew a handful of tissue…all with tiny spots covering them.

The horrified look on his face said it all before he finally gasped,

“How…how long has this been going on Lex?”

Reflexively Lexi grabbed the offensive tissue out of his hand and paused a moment before answering

“A month or so…I Michael…um I haven’t, please you have so much to deal with right now. I’m ok.”

The shaking of his hands as he washed them could not be mistaken,

“Lexi, this…THIS is NOT ok! THIS is not normal. What is happening?”

Not even pausing to dry his hands he took her in his arms,

“Please tell me you are alright.”

Lexi held him tight, relieved that at last her secret was out.

“I have a lung disease, it’s probably from 9/11, from being in the dust. That’s why I have the new medicine.”

“Do they think it will fix it?”

“We don’t know, we hope it will help my symptoms at least.”

Michael led her back into the bedroom and sat down on his favorite chair where he pulled her onto his lap.

“This is crazy…just crazy.”

“It will be ok Michael, don’t worry.”

Lexi curled into his chest and enjoyed a comfortable silence for several minutes until Michael sighed deeply.

“Babe, there is something I need to discuss with you. Something Mr. Mesereau asked me to talk to you about.”

Sitting up Lexi stared at Michael intently,

“He knows about me? You told him about us?”

Michael nodded,

“Yes, of course. He is my attorney and we are fighting for my life Lex. I need him to understand exactly what is at stake.”

Lexi closed her eyes for a moment and then took Michael’s hand,

“Ok, go ahead. What did you need to talk to me about?”

“Well, it’s about the trial.”

Suddenly her voice became animated and she excitedly exclaimed,

“Does he want me to testify, I told you a long time ago I would. I want to…you know that Michael. I want to tell those stupid liars exactly who you are and about our family.”

“Lexi, Lex…no no it’s not that, not really.”

She looked disappointed and waited for him to continue.

“You see…just in case it starts going bad they have discussed calling up some of um…”

“Yes?”

Lexi looked perplexed

“Calling up who Michael.”

Michael couldn’t look her in the eyes any longer,

“Um….they want to um,”

His voice grew to a whisper

“They want to maybe call up the women I’ve dated and ex-wives to the stand.”

He expected her to fly into a rage but she remained calm,

“Do they think it will make a difference Michael? Do they think if all of us… err them say something about you it will make everyone believe that you are not guilty?”

Michael looked up underneath his eyelashes with a sad expression,

“I don’t know….maybe.”

With a nod of her head Lexi answered,

“Then it has to be done.”

His gentle hug was all he could give her, because he was afraid he might become too emotional.

“Michael, can I ask you one thing?”

Breaking his hold he sat back to look at her,

“Sure anything.”

“Who…who would they be?”

The long sigh he let out was one of defeat but he moved to stand and Lexi waited while he fetched a piece of notebook paper from his briefcase.

“I don’t want to hurt you Lex..”

“I know Michael, I just want to be ready.”

Passing her the paper he saw the heart break in her eyes as she began reading the names off silently one by one:

Diana, Kim, Madonna, Melissa, Lisa Marie, Debbie, Diamond/Angela, Grace, Joanna, and Alexis.

Eventually she passed the note back to him but not before he noticed that she swallowed hard and sat up a bit straighter.

“Well that was enlightening…”

Michael returned the paper to his briefcase and as he had his back to her he quietly answered,

“I’m sorry.”

Lexi just stood there, doing her best to maintain her composure,

“I understand, I…I really do”

A sudden fit of coughing broke the tense atmosphere and she retreated back to the bathroom to use her new inhalers and by the time she had returned Michael was back on the phone discussing the strategy for the next day’s defense.

______________________

Sitting in the living room of the bungalow, Michael had his classical music playing low and was studying his notes for the day. He had fallen asleep for about 20 minutes in the chair and the weight of the events was starting to creep steadily upon his soul.

He had heard Lexi get up and it dawned on him that the light was still on in the bathroom. Turning off the music he could faintly hear coughing and it sounded different in some odd way.

Becoming concerned Michael moved to the bathroom knocking on the door.

“Lex…Lexi, are you alright?”

He didn’t receive an answer but could still hear her coughing, followed by a loud wheeze.

Opening the door he found her wide eyed sitting on the floor, hands to her throat.

“Oh god, Lex. What happened? What can I do?”

Another wheeze escaped but she couldn’t speak, her eyes only looked wildly around.

Michael tried to lift her off of the ground but stumbled and fell, crushing his back and side on the step to the shower.

“Ahhh, argh damn…damn. Ahhh. God Ok…ok. Lex hold hold on, let me call…call somebody.”

Now Michael had a hard time breathing, he felt like a rib or his back was broken. It hurt like when the bridge collapsed in Germany all over again. But he had to fight through it, Lexi was turning blue around her lips. She needed to go to the hospital. Hell they both needed it.

Fighting his way to his feet, he limped into the bedroom and called the switchboard.

“I…we need to go to the hospital. No..yes both of us. Bring oxygen, hurry. Yes both of us.”

Again he limped to the door and unlocked it then fought his way back to Lexi,

“Where is the inhaler? Come on you’ve got to try it.”

It had fallen on the floor and Michael grabbed it and held it to her lips but she couldn’t inhale enough of the vapor to open up her lungs.

“Hang on Lex, they’re coming.”

Her gasping had gotten louder and she was clutching his arm.

Michael sat down beside her and took her in his arms, speaking softly to her,

“Breathe baby, just be calm. I have you. Breathe for me now”

Finally security made it inside and loaded Lexi and Michael into the SUV and sped away to the hospital in Santa Maria.

__________________________

“I can’t go today, I’m in the emergency room. How can they make me go? I’m sick.”

Michael stood in the tiny ER room on the phone with Tom Mesereau.

“Are you serious? But…this is crazy. It’s not just me, Lexi is really sick. They are transferring her to Santa Barbara. Can I just stay until then?”

He waited patiently while his lawyer explained the details of the judge’s order to him.

“I guess they are trying to punish me. I don’t have any clothes. We left in our pajamas.”

“I don’t care…I’ll wear them. I just want to be with Lexi as long as possible. I’ll be there.”

Michael hung up the phone as a nurse came in,

“Mr. Jackson, the air-med flight for Doctor Garcia will be here in twenty minutes. She is better but is still on a ventilator and sedated. Would you like to see her again before they get here?”

Michael looked devastated but replied,

“Yes, of course yes.”

Seeing her restrained with the IV’s and the ventilator breathing for her took what little life he felt he had left in him away.

“Alexis, I hope you can hear me. You are going to be ok. They told me you picked a real good doctor…this Doctor Bell. He is going to take real good care of you. I will be there Friday night, just be awake for me alright? I have to stay here..for, for court. They won’t let me out of it.”

Wiping a tear off of his cheek, he continued.

“We need you, I need you.”

The pain in his side flared up and he laid his head down on her bed.

Somewhere a radio crackled to life and he distantly heard,

“Air-med 1 to Santa Maria…we’re two minutes out”

The nurse who had led him into the room, put her hand on his shoulder.

“They’re here…we need to get her ready.”

“Oh ok…um how will I know where she is.”

Michael wiped his face as he stood up.

“I will write it all down for you, tell one of your people to come back here and pick it up later. Mr. Jackson, I don’t mean to be nosy…but they said on the television you have 30 minutes to get to court. Let me get you that shot for your back and get you out of here. I will take care of her, Ok?”

Michael looked down at Lexi, one last time

“Yeah…she would want me to get there.”

Before he turned to leave he glanced up at the IV pole and fingered the bag that hung from it. The nurse thought it odd when he softly whispered,

“Hmmmm, milk”

_______________________

His head was foggy with the Demerol as his small entourage left the protection of the SUV. The sound of the fans seemed to swirl around him and the clicks of the cameras melded into a strange cacophony of distraction as he shuffled along to the door of the courthouse. He failed to notice the murmurs of his detractors as they made note of his pajama bottoms, t-shirt and jacket that he had hastily thrown on hours earlier in his rush to leave for the hospital. He also failed to notice much of anything else at that moment, his mind was on the helicopter he had watched fly away for part of the drive to the courthouse and the pain not only in his back but in his heart as he lost sight of it.

They had finally stripped him of everything, all he had left was his faith and he was afraid it would be gone soon too.

To Be Continued…….

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