New Beginnings XVI

New Beginnings XVI

January/February 1992

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam’st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!

Or, as thou never cam’st in sooth,
Come now, and let me dream it truth,
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say, My love why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For so the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day

Longing

By

Matthew Arnold

He descended the stairs of the aircraft reluctantly, even considered turning around and climbing back up to her and calling it all off…but knew it was a futile gesture. Seeing her wave from the doorway of the plane he thought she had never looked more beautiful. The chilly wind blew her hair about her face and the slight flush she had in her cheeks from his kisses still remained. He noticed her lips…they seemed to stand out, calling to him to return for one more insistent press of his lips upon hers. But he resisted knowing that if he ran up the stairs she wouldn’t leave and he would be late. Her eyes smiled warmly back at him as she waved; his heart caught in his throat at the picture of her framed in the doorway.

Slipping inside the limousine he heard the jets engines engage and his driver began to move to turn the car towards the gate when Michael suddenly yelled for him to stop. Pulling on the handle to exit he found it locked. Try as he might, he pulled and leaned on the door to leave the limo and run to the jet as it pushed back from its position. Sliding over to the other side of the car he found that it too was locked and he was trapped in the limousine as the jet taxied towards departure. “No, no….stop. Please stop.” He cried out as sweat drenched his body and he shook with fear and dread.

“Michael” her soft voice called to him, “Michael, baby…you are having a bad dream.” Lexi softly shook him from his nightmare. Bolting upright he grabbed her, “Stop them, please. My baby…save them Oh my god…my baby.” Michael’s eyes were wild with fear and desperation. His chest rose and fell with his heavy breathing, while his eyes darted around wildly. Lexi kept her emotions steady as she made him focus on her voice, “Michael, look at me. Just take a second and breathe. Please just remember I love you.” He seemed to become more coherent and his eyes looked into hers, “Lex, oh god! I..I’m sorry. I was dreaming I guess.” Michael swung his legs over the edge of the bed and wrapped his head in his hands. Moving to comfort him, she rested her fingers on his shoulder and was astonished when he jerked away from her touch and walked away. Even in the dim light of the room she could see him trembling as he pulled his pajama bottoms on. “I’ll be back, I need some air.”Sliding into his slippers he grabbed his coat from the chair and walked out of the French doors and on to the grounds of Neverland.

Stalking through the property Michael was almost at a run. From what, he didn’t know, but he had to go and fast. The dream was still so fresh, so real and he felt so lost. Hunter’s face burned in front of his eyes and he longed to see her again. To hold her and tell her how sorry he was. He went to the only place he could be close to their memories, The Giving Tree. Climbing up as rapidly as possible he hid among the branches and tried to not let his fears grip him.

The dreams had faded, like the scent that lingers on a pillow. He hadn’t forgotten her but he had been content. The dreams were so real, so vivid he felt like he had just left her at the airport again. Hunter had been on his mind so much since the trip to Jamaica. Michael couldn’t help but be reminded of their time in Marbella as he and Lexi lounged at the private estate in Negril. The ocean, the smell of the tropical flowers in the wind, the long horseback rides along the coast had brought so many memories rushing back.

Plus he was flush with guilt, the guilt he carried with him like a heavy burden. He loved Lexi beyond words and felt he was moving forward towards a real future, with a real family, until his trip to New York and then the dreams started again.  The days he spent with Diana weighed heavily on his soul. Lexi believed he was sick while they had been away and urged him to rest and sleep while she cared for him. Michael knew he was not physically ill and did his best to let her enjoy her time under the warm sun and on the sparkling white beaches. He watched from afar as she bathed in the azure blue waters of the sea and he silently begged for her forgiveness for his unforgivable sin.

Looking down he watched as she searched for him. She had no idea about his hiding place among the branches and he had no intention of telling her about it either. It was sacred, special and no one knew why it was so meaningful to Michael. Watching her enter the barn he climbed down and sat on a park bench waiting for her to find him. She spotted him sitting forlornly when she exited the barn and sat beside him. “There you are. I have been worried Michael, are you alright?” Michael looked up at her with his dark eyes, but said nothing. “I know who the nightmare was about. Do you want to talk?” Lexi asked softly, encouraging him to open up to her. Crossing his arms, Michael merely shook his head and looked at the ground. Lexi fought her tears off as she began again, “Something is wrong and I just can’t put my finger on it. You have been so distant. I mean…you have hardly even touched me since we got back.” Subtly clearing his throat he whispered, “I am just really busy is all, it’s not about you. That’s why I think I had the dream again Lex. They always come when I am anxious.” Leaning forward, Lexi rested her elbows on her knees…pulling her hair away from her face. “Tell me, is there anything you need to talk about?” Michael couldn’t bear to look at her solemn face as he answered, “No…well, only that I have to go away for a couple of weeks next month to Africa.” Standing up she started to walk back towards the house, “OK, just let me know what is going on please. You know I worry about you.” “I will, I promise.” Not following her inside he remained on the bench wondering why he had been so foolish in New York, and how he could begin to fix his mistakes.

Waving as the children ended their day at The Ranch; Michael returned to the house and took a long drink of the lemonade the chef had prepared for him. “Mr. Jackson I have planned dinner for seven if that is alright.” Lost in thought Michael stared at the newest addition to his art collection hanging on the wall. “Mr. Jackson, excuse me. About dinner, would seven be an appropriate time this evening sir?” With a start Michael jumped slightly before responding, “Yes that will be fine, can you serve it on the patio Jean Luc? I think it’s warm enough today? I want to treat Miss Garcia this evening.” With a nod of his perfect bald head, the Frenchman disappeared back to the kitchen to finish his food preparation for the evening ahead. Michael didn’t hear or see Lexi in the house so he ventured downstairs to the studio to work on some choreography for the next video. He had already been scheduled to film at the Salton Sea in March after he returned from his African Trip and he wanted to make sure this video had a much sexier feel. Sandy had booked Herb Ritts to direct and Michael was focused on  capturing the essence his lyrics illustrated when he put them to paper through his choreography.

Running the last hundred yards up the driveway, Lexi felt tightness in her hamstring as she eased her way up the pathway to the front door. Her lungs burned from her exertion but she felt exhilarated from the exercise as she ducked into the bathroom and toweled off the perspiration from her face. Knowing she should take a quick shower she wanted to check on Michael and see how his day with the kids went before climbing the stairs to the bedroom. “Miss Garcia, Miss Garcia…Here, Please…drinks this water. You ran a long way. You need to drinks.” Jean Luc passed her a bottle of Arrowhead across the counter and smiled briefly before turning back to his food preparation. “Thank you Jean Luc. What time is dinner?” Without even turning around, he spoke in his delicate accent, “Seven, Mademoiselle and Mr. Jackson is having it served outside tonight.”

Lexi paused at the top of the stairs hearing the thump of the bass reverberating through the floor. Deciding to check on him she took the stairs down to his almost private domain. As she pushed on the door at the foot of the stairs her ears rang with the sensuous sounds of his next single “In the Closet” as it played over the hi-tech speakers. Michael was in the middle of the dance floor bathed in sweat and spotlights, moving fluidly as the music seemed to ease through his body. She watched intently at every thrust and slide he made with the music.

Tossing his hat aside he glanced up momentarily and his eyes focused on her standing at the bottom of the stairs. Pulling the remote out of his back pocket he hit pause, “Hey girl, what’s up?” Putting the towel to her face again she mumbled almost incoherently, “Um, huh…I just wanted to check on you is all.” When she opened her eyes he was standing in front of her, “You went for a run?” She watched as a bead of sweat trickled down his face and off of his chin, “Yeah, around the property and up on the hill.” “Come dance with me.” He gave her no other choice as he took her hand and led her to the middle of the dance floor. Again he reached into his back pocket and pointed the remote at the stereo, starting the song over again. Lexi felt her face begin to turn red as she stood there feeling foolish as Michael moved towards her. “Dance with me girl.” He said above the music. Stealing her towel he wiped his face and chest and tossed it aside before taking her hand and spinning her around. Pulling her close he forced his leg between hers and ground his hips seductively against her. “Just start off slow, don’t be shy.” Michael’s voice in her ear and his steadily growing hardness against her stomach caused her to lean into his arms as her body found the pounding rhythm of the music. “Mmmm that’s it; see you move just fine.” Lexi’s hips had begun to grind against him while her hands roamed over his chest and hips seductively. Turning around she pushed herself against him, rotating and churning against him while he ran his hands up and down her legs and thighs. When she rose up and wrapped her arms around his neck the music was in full swing and Michael sang to her a line out of the song,

“I Swear There’s Something
About You Baby,
That Makes Me Want
To Give It To You”

His hands moved from her hips and slowly up her waist, she could feel his palms as they moved over her flat naked stomach…caressing her softly. He teased her seductively by pulling the top of her shorts back with his thumb and pressing his hand inside them against her pelvis. Michael’s fingers were so long he was able to snake his pinky down and slide it between her legs. Lexi’s gasp of desire as her knees slightly buckled caught him by surprise. “Hold on for me babe…god you’re so hot.” With his free hand still roaming her skin, he reached for her breast. Already stiff, he moaned in her ear softly while rolling her nipple between his fingers. The music seemed to drive them on, the beat in synch as they discovered each other. Taking his hand from her building wetness, he brought his finger to his lips before he pulled her sports bra over her head. Michael was watching her in the mirror as his hands roamed her body, “Oh god, I need you. Lexi….” Opening her eyes, they met his in the mirror. Both full of lust and longing, she tilted her head back reaching for his lips as her hands searched for his thickness that pressed into her back. Quickly undressing each other he picked her up and moved towards the mirrored wall and balanced her on the ballet barre. Michael pushed inside and paused…feeling her heat enfolding him. When he had fully entered her, he pulled her thigh up and settled her firmly around his hips. “Oh damn baby, you feel so incredible.” Michael stared into her eyes as he picked up his pace. “Michael, you are…it’s so amazing” The song had been playing over again on a loop and Lexi could feel its beat flowing into her through Michael. Sweat dripped onto her chest from his face as he rolled his hips deeply. Pulling on her waist, she could hear his haggard breathing in her ear. Long, slow breaths that emanated from his chest…powerful and low. “Do you like it like this?” His question came out deep and sexy, sparking a burning sensation in her belly. Shifting upwards slightly he felt her walls squeeze him tightly. “What was that…oh Michael. “ Feeling herself lose control of her body, Lexi clung to him as she came. This time as soon as she had one orgasm, she felt herself climax again almost instantly. Realizing he had found her “G” spot, Michael tightened rapidly, in anticipation of his own release. “Can you do it again? Join me…” His body tensed in preparation for his release. As he hit her spot one last time, while reaching his goal she felt her final orgasm shake her too, practically lifting her off of the barre. “I am Michael…I am.”Picking her up, he held her against the mirror, bending her lower back over the barre as he thrust without thought into her body. Lexi grasped the barre to hold them steady, lifting her legs off the ground and around his waist as he spilled into her with one final push. She felt the intense passion once again flowing between them as they held each other up against the mirror. “I love you Lexi, please forgive me.” Michael rested his forehead against her shoulder as his body recovered. “Shhh, Michael. Don’t not right now, I love you too.”

Michael’s legs were shaking from his exertion and he slipped away from her. Switching off the music with the remote he seemed to lose himself for a moment before turning to her and saying, “I think I know what I want the video to look like now.” Then he handed her, her clothes. After dressing, he pulled her close, “I hope you are hungry?” Lexi smiled at him shyly, “Starving, but that was a good appetizer. Will you give me the main course later?” Michael blushed slightly as he pulled away to finish buttoning his shirt, “Yes, and dessert too.”

“I’ll be right back.” Michael pushed away from the table and made his way to the kitchen. Spying Jean Luc he patted him on the back, “Dinner was wonderful, thank you so much.” This brought about a slight shrug from the chef along with a smile, “Here is your Champagne Mr. Jackson, perfectly chilled just as you requested.” “OK, thank you again. We are going to Los Angeles tomorrow, so I will call you. Maybe you can come down for a few days….” Jean Luc saw the look on Michael’s face and guessed that he was thinking about Lexi, “Mr. Jackson, sir…I am available upon your request.” The look of relief that swept over Michael’s face was immediate, “Thanks, I appreciate it. I will talk to you soon then.” Lexi waited for him back at the table, “Will you go for a walk with me?” “Sure.” Lexi slid carefully out of her chair, smoothing her skirt down and interlaced her fingers with his. Michael squeezed her hand and smiled, “I’m going to take you up on the Ferris wheel tonight.”  “We have been up there before, what makes tonight so special?” Stopping, he turned to her and brushed his lips across her forehead, “Because tonight it will just be us.” Lexi felt her insides tighten as he spoke to her almost in a whisper. He seemed to walk two steps in front of her until they climbed aboard the seat and Michael nodded for the attendant to start the ride. She loved the view from the top of the ride, during the day you could see much of the property and at night the stars shown like diamonds. It felt good to be in a peaceful place with Michael, away from the distractions of the city for a change.

“Michael, are you happy?” The bottle popped opened as she asked her question and she jumped slightly at the sound. “Am I happy? Sure, I guess I am happy.” Michael looked at her with a puzzled expression as he handed her the bottle. Kissing his cheek lightly she took the bottle and held it to her lips for a moment before taking a drink. “No, I mean happy. You know with us and your life. I want you to be honest with me and I promise I won’t get mad or upset with what…” Michael interrupted her “Lex, why are you doing this, it’s such a beautiful night out. I just want to sit here with you and enjoy it.” Nervously she scratched her cheek and looked away into the distance before taking another drink, “I know something happened back East Michael. It upset you. Something changed…changed us.” The ride reached the bottom and Michael nodded at the attendant. Sitting in silence together Lexi could feel her worst fears coming true as the ride slowed and finally stopped at the top of the circle. “I know you didn’t call from the hotel over Christmas, you weren’t even in The City. I hoped you were looking for your Sister, but common sense tells me she wouldn’t have been in Connecticut.” Sliding back into the corner of the seat Michael folded his arms across his chest but remained silent. “Michael, I know who lives there, I know why you keep asking me to forgive you.” When she finally turned to look at him he saw the tears on her cheeks and the sadness in her eyes. He couldn’t get away, he couldn’t run, he had to look at her and face the pain he had created. The pain he had caused by his infidelity was staring back at him and it hurt…hurt more than he could ever have imagined. His voice was tiny and small when he finally spoke, “Are you leaving me Alexis?” “I might, I was going to before we made love this afternoon, but for some reason it made me think you still care.” Bowing her head slightly she wiped away her tears on the sleeve of her jacket. Michael’s voice caught in his throat as he struggled to speak, “I have always cared…always.” Lexi took a long drink off of the bottle before she answered him, “I guess you just care more about That Woman, than you do me though right?”

His emotions finally rose to the surface and he couldn’t contain himself any longer, “I can’t explain how I feel about her. She is everything that hurts and everything I love all in one. I told her when I left it was the biggest mistake of my life to have knocked on her door on Christmas Eve. Lexi I didn’t go there to be with her, I was lonely. I just didn’t want to be alone. I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer. I needed to talk to you. Why didn’t you answer…..I needed you so much.” Lexi’s look told him all he needed to know even before he spoke, “Michael you are not a child. Have some self control. Why is it always about you not being able to handle a situation? Does someone have to tell you what to do with your life every second?” He stared down at his ring knowing she was right, he had allowed himself to get carried away. To let his long standing emotional scars get in the way of his new love. “I am sorry and I do love you.” Lexi could feel his eyes burning through her as she looked off into the night. “Can we go now; it’s getting chilly up here.” Michael reached for her hand but she jerked it away before he could touch her. “Bring us down now please.” Michael yelled down to the attendant. “Here, I was going to give you this tonight. I thought it would be romantic on top of the wheel.” Michael put the small box in her hand as the Ferris wheel reached the bottom. He didn’t even wait for the attendant to open the safety gate before he exited the seat and walked away into the night. Lexi stepped out walking towards the house and finally sat on a bench under a softly glowing lamp. Setting the champagne down, she flipped the small jewelry box open that Michael had placed in her hand. The wedding band shone brightly in the dim light; brilliantly cut diamonds seemed to spin around the ring symbolizing his commitment. Lexi reached in and read the inscription inside the ring, it took her breath away.

“L-Your love completes me…M”

Sitting in the top of the tree he wondered how it all got so screwed up. His mind traveled back to that day he put Hunter on the plane and how such small seemingly inconsequential decisions can change so many lives. Why didn’t he run back up those stairs and stop the plane and pull her off? Stopping the horrible chain of events that happened a week later and keeping his life normal. He knew he never would have thought about cheating on her, so why had it been so easy this time? Did losing her make him cold and callous? He wanted to make a drink and forget everything, he could feel his head begin to ache and he just wanted to try to sleep and tell everyone to go to hell. He just wanted to fill the longing, the emptiness…this hole in his heart with something, anything that would make the ache go away.

Lexi awoke to a quite house, her eyes burned and her back ached from sleeping on the couch all night. Opening the door to Michael’s room she saw that the bed was empty and he was gone. There was a note lying on the bed and she picked it up reading his childlike scrawl.

I could not sleep so I drove down to LA.

Lexi, I understand. I will wait, Call me when

you decide. I do love you, please remember that.

 Love,

MJ

Collapsing on the bed Lexi gave way to her tears. Sobs racked her body as she fought to catch her breath. “Why Michael, why did you do this to me…to us? I love you so much. I finally learned to trust you and then you break my heart like this.” No one came to comfort her, no one held her close…and no one promised her it wouldn’t happen again.

The sun was bright as she pulled up to the non-descript office complex west of downtown three weeks later. He was true to his word and hadn’t called or come by the house even one time. She had made her decision and was determined to be strong, no matter what happened after she spoke with him. Checking her reflection in the rearview mirror she walked toward the secret office. He had told her about it before but she had never visited; knowing she would feel out of place around his staff. The glass door was tinted so no one could walk by and see in, but it looked like any typical office in L.A., with filing cabinets, typewriters and phones. She even noticed that the receptionist had a new computer running WordPerfect on her desk.

After waiting several minutes for the receptionist, she walked down the hall to see if she could find someone to help her locate Michael, and that’s when she heard the hush of whispered voices coming from the office at the end of the hallway. Lexi walked down to ask for help and stopped in her tracks. Unable to comprehend what she saw, she moved close to the wall to gather her thoughts. Lexi’s hands began to nervously shake while she heard them speaking quietly to each other.

“Did she leave you Michael?”

“I told you, I don’t know.”

“Well how could you not know? You are either with her or not.”

“She needs time to decide what she wants. I guess I can’t blame her.”

“When do you leave for Africa?”

“Day after tomorrow, they scheduled so much into this trip though…I don’t know girl.”

“Come stay with me at the hotel. The boys would love to see you…I would love to see you.”

Lexi felt her blood begin to boil as she heard Diana ask Michael back to her hotel. Any doubts about her decision were erased as she reached into her purse and found the ring Michael had given her.

“Stop, Diane. How can you even….”

Michael’s eyes flew to the door as Lexi seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Diana was sitting on the edge of the desk in front of his chair and he was slumped forward on his elbows. Jumping to his feet he looked around nervously.

“Lexi…I, oh god. I didn’t know you were going to be here today.”

“Yes, I can see that Michael. I hope I am not interrupting anything?”

Diana stood and watched as Michael moved swiftly around the desk towards his lover. Her heart ached as he looked lovingly at this girl and touched her face delicately with the back of his hand. Pulling her close she watched him as he whispered in her ear but she couldn’t hear what he said.

Lexi looked into his eyes and saw relief and genuine love. As he pulled her close he softly whispered, “I’m so glad you came back to me, I missed you so much.” Michael seemed oblivious to Diana and bent down and kissed Lexi tenderly.

As he moved apart from her, Lexi seemed to find her voice again and turned to Diana. “Miss Ross, I know that you have a long past with Michael. I understand that you both care for each other deeply, but I am asking you now…if you truly love him, leave him be. We love each other too; please let us try to find some happiness together.”

Diana gathered her things and slowly walked around the desk, finally coming to stand in front of Lexi, “Be good to him. I love him very much, I always have and I always will.” She was a bold woman, never afraid of a challenge…and being bold she leaned forward and tenderly kissed Michael. Parting his mouth with her tongue and gently biting his bottom lip as she pulled away. Michael watched her leave him again, as she tossed her hair over her shoulder and disappeared.

Silence filled the room for several minutes after she left until Michael spoke. “How can I make this up to you Alexis?” Setting her purse on the desk as she once again searched through it. Michael saw her hand and grasped it firmly, his bright smile lighting up his face, “You have the ring on!” Stopping her search she nodded slightly. “Yes, I put it on in the hallway Michael.” She looked down and saw what she was searching for and tossed it on the desk. “You asked how you can make this up to me. I just came to let you know that it’s not me you will need to make it up to Michael…I’m pregnant. There are the test results, so congratulations. I guess I will see you around.”

Pulling off the ring, Lexi laid it atop the lab results and left him alone in his office.

To be continued….

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